My Weight Loss Journey

Let me start off with saying that this is a very difficult post for me. I can't even tell you how many times I have written this post in my head and thought no, that's too graphic. So bare with me as I try to explain this the best I can.

After that first paragraph you might be asking yourself, what's the big deal? OR where are the helpful hints? Well there aren't any helpful hints to be honest, in fact my weight loss journey is far from average for quite a few reasons. As I write this post I'm at about 15 lbs lost. Some pounds on purpose and some just because I've been more active. This weight loss has been very gradual only because I'm very fragile when I'm trying to lose weight. 

Back in 2002 I saw a psychiatrist, nutritionist, and went through a lot of therapy. In fact, going to therapy was like my job then since I went 4 times a week. One of the things we figured out was that my weight gain at that time was "protection" weight. I was almost 180lbs on a small 5 ft frame. It was also around the time when I had my two children. Fast forward 15 years and I'm still here struggling with my weight and body image, amongst other things.

My ultimate plan is to lose 20lbs more which would be 35lbs total. I think that is a reasonable amount. I am currently in a state where I want to binge eat so bad! Like, I could sit down and eat an entire cake if I were given the chance. The only reason I won't is because type 2 diabetes runs in the family. I want to be around for my grandchildren and great grandchildren. 

This picture is the most recent I have after I got a tattoo. I'm genuinely happy here.

Another part of my weight loss journey, that is a challenge, is my battle with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. This disorder has been the bane of my existence and not something I like to admit having. There are moments where I get so obsessed with how I look that I will either not go anywhere, or throw clothes away, or sit and cry because of the anxiety it causes. I can't even tell you how many times I left the doctors office with nothing wrong with except the fact that my mind is constantly trying to torture me. With that said, this disorder can be a nightmare when trying to lose weight. The reason is because any slight variation to the way my body changes can either be for the better, or worse. This disorder also plays a huge part in my panic disorder but that's a whole other blog post.

I do allow myself to have plenty of cheat days but even these can throw me off. I start to see my mid-section reduce in size but it's like the smell of a donut can cause it to bulge all over again. I'm super lucky to have a great support system. My little family is great, except when they complain there's no food, which is code for junk food. I try not buy certain foods so I'm not tempted to eat it!   

Anyway, I'm giving myself a year to lose the next 20lbs. So I can slowly get used to the physical change. If I slip up, it's going to make me crazy but it's not the end of the world. 


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