Can I just tell how much I love this quote? One night while aimlessly scrolling through Facebook I saw it, and a spark lit up inside me. Now you don't have to Que any ominous music for this post, in fact I'm hear to tell you that if you are going through a divorce or break up, it's going to be okay no matter how bad it seems right now...yes really. Things will get better, but before I tell you how, I'll give you a little more background about my experiences, and hardships that I have had to overcome to get to the mindset of where I am today.
First things first, no ones, and I mean no ones marriage or long term relationship is perfect. No matter what you see online or on Facebook, or how they seem at holiday parties. I am very guilty of only posting the great times, because most people only post that part. I'm guilty of pretending everything is perfect, when it's not. For me it was a way of not having to explain, or put myself out there.
I've only been married once technically, though my previous relationship before that was for 8 years. We never made it legal. Looking back now I can see all the reasons why we didn't make it, plus you can't force/hope someone will stay in a relationship that they clearly want to end. I think the hardest part of it all was trying to keep it together for the kids. As a mom you can feel like a complete failure, and you want your kids to have the best life possible. We can't control everything unfortunately.
In my last marriage it seemed as if everything was too good to be true. We had so much fun, the kids were doing great. I was even able to be amicable with my ex, which was good for the kids. We traveled a lot, and the family I married into was great too. We married quickly, and I was never happier, but as time went on, so did all the lies. A person can only put up with so much infidelity. I felt like I was married to Jekyll and Hyde. I suppose this was residual karma from some other lifetime, because we were very much in love. Unfortunately sometimes love just isn't enough and she was gone from my life as fast as she came in.
Enough about all of that. My point here is to share some tips that will help you stay somewhat sane. I'm in no way an expert, and these tips that I'm sharing are based merely off personal experience.
Tip number 1:
DO NOT take anything anyone says personal.
Easier said then done, trust me I'm still living this. Break ups and divorce are a process, and it's different for everyone. It's not something you get over easily. Your ex will have their side of the story, whether it's true or not, and everyone will try to give you advice or have something to say. I've had sleepless nights because of others opinions, but the day you are able to not take anything anyone says personal will be the day you have freedom from your situation. You have to remember that this is your life and no one can live it except for you.
Tip Number 2:
DO NOT lose yourself during this process.
When we are faced with hardships it's very easy to forget who we are under stress. It can change you and you can become very reactive. I'm a very mellow and genuinely happy person. Being a single mom I know how hard it can be to not get overly upset when my teenagers are being teenagers. Add stress to that and you've got a bomb waiting to go off. At the peak of both of my long term relationships coming to end, I made sure to go to therapy. This doesn't mean you have failed, in fact I highly suggest therapy for everyone. It's nice to have that outlet that is non-bias. I was able to get a lot off my chest. Again, not easy, but I'm here to tell you it's possible to stay sane.
Tip Number 3
KEEP TRACK of your finances.
This one is very tricky, especially if you had/have combined incomes. Unfortunately my ex was the one in charge of all of our bills. She left in a hurry when we decided to separate and after I took a look at all of our bills I saw why. She had paid the minimum due and my car was about to go into repossession for a second time. Not to mention the fact that she failed to put in her notice for leaving because she was legally obligated to pay half the rent for at least 3 months, but according to the state law she was suppose to pay half of the bills until the divorce was final. So because I didn't know my legal rights, she was able to skip out on about $6,000. I was left with a pile of debt. Don't be like me. Do your research in your state. Try to start a separate savings if you think things are going sour. Even if you think they would never do such a thing. When my ex left she told me not worry because she was still going to help me with the bills. I never saw a penny. Take it from me, things can get really nasty, really quick.
Tip Number 4
KEEP LIVING your life.
It can feel like your whole world has just crumbled. Like as if you just lost your best friend, but you have to move forward. Take your kids on a mini vacation if you can. Go for walks. Go eat at your favorite restaurant. I know it can be awkward, but try to be social. The moment you pick yourself up and dust yourself off, you will be able to see your situation in a whole new perspective. You will realize there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Tip Number 5
KEEP OFF social media.
Mainly Facebook. I hated that I had to unfriend a lot of people that I considered family, but some people were posting things that were passive aggressive. You don't want to have those posting wars. I knew right away that her side of the story was the opposite of mine. Which is the case in most breakups. In this situation you have to pick your battles. I'm not going to lie, I'm totally guilty of posting my feelings, but again from experience, it's better just to avoid it all together. It's amazing what people will say online versus real life.
I hope some of this helps. I'm in no way perfect, nor a professional advice giver. These are just a few ways you can try to help yourself through a difficult time. This past year has been the most difficult for myself emotionally and financially, but things are looking up! I'm surrounded by those who love me and that is the most important of all.
Also this song...I love this song!
