My Petunia

Saturday, May 18, 2019

It's been a year, and if I told you that I was okay by now I'd be lying. When Petunia passed away last year it was the most heart wrenching experience for me. I adopted her in 2008. I asked the rescue who had been there the longest and it was Petunia. I didn't bother changing her name because I thought it was cute that she looked so tough with a delicate name. Every since that day she greeted me at door, protected me strangers, strange lights on the wall, and tin foil. She had a favorite toy that was made of indestructible rubber, and I still have it next to her ashes. She was there by side through every struggle in the last 10 years. She listened to all my problems and always licked my face when I cried. She chewed up blankets and pillows, but made up for it in her unconditional love for me, the kids, and Cupcake. She raised Cupcake from a kitten, and to be honest, Cupcake has been different ever since she passed. On the day when she left us, it was so beautiful. We sat on the couch together and watched Coco. We had the vet come to our house. We carried her out onto the green grass, and laid there in the late afternoon. We gave her kisses and hugs. Mary held her through the injections. I smelled her fur for as long as I could because I just didn't want to forget. A piece of me left with her that day. I can't even finish this post without tears. I have so many fun and amazing memories of her, and I'm just sad because I have so much more love to give her. 

This picture is from a past blog post that you can read here: Pretty Petunia

I'm so grateful for all the pictures and video I take. 
I just miss those big brown eyes, so much.


Blogging: Why I Removed My Comment Section

Thursday, May 16, 2019

In the blogging world you would think having comments on all your post would be really important, right? Wrong. Yes there was a time when all I lived for were the comments on each and every one of my blog posts. Up until my little baby blog grew up and started getting unique views in the tens of thousand every month. To this day, even with my laziness lack of posting, this little blog does very well. It actually gets even more views since I have turned my commenting off.

I know your first question would be: What about engaging with your readers? To be honest I don't think people really come to blogs to treat them like other social media. On Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter we obviously want to engage with our readers/followers. Those platforms were built for that. Blogs were created as a place to gain information or create something for your audience to visit and read, not necessarily engage in. Bloggers are the storytellers of the internet, we are also the informers. We would be taking away from our content if we have to go through every comment to reiterate the story being told. Plus only a small amount of visitors leave comments anyway.

I have found that since I have disabled my comment section that I have one less site I have to monitor. I'm on the PR team for the 501st New England Garrison,Green Mountain Squad, and Alderaanbase. I'm quite the busy little social media guru, while also monitoring my personal accounts. I have to say Facebook is the worst out of all of them. People feel like they say whatever they want there without a filter. Luckily pages can be set up to catch certain words and hide comments until later approval. I just have to say there are a lot of people who lack tact.
Anyway, if you have the time to juggle all the social media channels and handle all your blog comments, more power to you! In fact I'm super jealous if you can do that. I have so much going on in my life on a constant basis that I have no idea how I handled it in past. I know for a fact I was constantly checking my email, and was very worried that people would leave inappropriate comments. Even when I had my comments set for approval it was quite challenging to find the time to reply to each comment while trying to not sound like a robot. I mean how many different ways can you say thank you? And if I'm being completely transparent here, No comments means I can write more freely. I can write about topics without backlash directly in my tiny little corner of the internet. Of course there are other ways to contact me, but this little blog is safe from the cruel harsh world of internet trolls, though I've discovered all the sights where those people hide.

20 Years A Mom-A Short Story

Sunday, May 12, 2019

I have probably written this post over, and over, and over again in my head. If there is one thing that I pride myself in, it's being a mom. Am I a perfect mom? No way! But I have been a mom for the last 20 years. I've been a mom longer than I haven't been a mom, if that makes sense. I am a single mom in the sense that their father is non-existence in their lives and gives zero support. I have some partners who have been a great support, even to this day. I have also had a not-so-great partner treat us like garbage and walk out on us. My little army has been through a lot, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It has been us for the last 20 years. I still remember how amazing it was to hear Cody's heartbeat for the first time. I know you're thinking "wait, her son is 19," but I count being a mom while you are pregnant, because the moment you get pregnant you have a lot of life changing decisions to make. For me it was to become the best version of me that I could. I was a young mom who loved to go to parties and had a lot of friends. Becoming a mother completely changed my life.
Before I go into great details about some key factors of why I am the type of mom that I am, let me give you a little back story of where I come from and how my ideals of what a parent should be like were shaped. First of all, I don't have one of those pasts where I came from a single mom and we were poor and humble, nor did I come from a family with a mom & dad, and a picket white fence. I came from the exact opposite. My parents have always been very successful, even though they think (to this day) they can do more because they aren't billionaires. Unfortunately they weren't around very often because they traveled the world constantly leaving me with nannies or family members. I experienced severe trauma in their absence that was barely addressed, if not put away in the closet of skeletons (all rich people have this closet).Then became an unruly teenager, rebelling in every way possible. I was even picked
up at a police station because my friends thought it was fun to steal cars.
May of 1999, my senior year in high school, was going to be the month where my entire life changed. I was 18 and I had been dating the father of my kids at this point for 2 years, on and off. We were broken up when I made that faithful drive to Planned Parenthood to take a pregnancy test. When the nurse came in to tell me I was pregnant I was absolutely shocked. To be honest, I had all the pregnancy symptoms, I was just in denial. I was in the middle of figuring out what my next steps were for my life. I was about to graduate and hopefully join the Navy or Army. I had just spoken to a recruiting officer the day before. All of that gone.
I was scrambling. My father was moving to the Philippines with my step-mom. My mom moved to Las Vegas and my older brother lived about an hour away. I needed to finish school and I also had to figure out if the father wanted to be involved. Long story short of that, we got back together and I moved in with his family, which was far from pleasant. I knew my depression was bad and I was going to work on getting better, but the following years were going to be so trauma filled that I am still recovering to this day from reoccurring PTSD. After Justice was born I knew things desperately had to change and they did.
I won't go into every relationship detail after their father. I just really want to say that we were lucky to always have loving and caring people in our lives, even if it was for a short periods of time. I've been a single mom since I was 21, with no idea how to be a parent. All I knew is that I was going to give them all the love and attention that I yearned for when I was younger. I was also going to try to keep them away from toxic people that best I can. Now that both my kids are entering adulthood I look at them and really miss the days when they were younger, but I am still so proud of who they are today. I try my best to support them in everything they do. When they were younger I kissed their boo boos. Now I am here for them with their real world concerns and their tired feet from work. We have definitely moved more times then I would like to admit, but we have always been a family no matter where this life would take us.
Being a mother is not an easy task. No one is perfect at it, no matter how lovely their social media pictures are. It's hard, exhausting, and without a dull moment. Your children will treat you like you are the only amazing human that they worship to the worst parent on the planet and they wish they hadn't been born. It's an absolute roller coaster, but is it worth? You're damn right it is.
I hope all the mothers out there are having an awesome day! I also hope that no matter how hard life gets you're all able to see the contrast of beauty that is also there.


Star Wars Celebration Chicago Day 2

Thursday, May 9, 2019

Sorry this post has been delayed, but life has been pretty hectic. I'm finally getting a moment for myself so I thought would catch up...

I'm going to be completely honest, I was a little terrified to wear my Rose Tico costume. With everything that had happened to Kelly Marie Tran online with  the Internet trolls that caused her distress, it did make me worry. After the huge standing ovation that she received at celebration, all those worries disappeared. Also the convention had a zero harassment policy that helped me feel a little safer.

My experience ended up being the exact opposite of what I was afraid of. Everyone was so nice, and super excited about my cosplay. I received high-fives, hugs, and was stopped about every few steps to have my picture taken. True Star Wars nerds are the best!

By the way, this picture below with all the characters from The Last Jedi, happened by accident. I was only meeting up Madeline (who was dressed as Paige Tico) so we could pose for sister pictures, then my friend Morrigan popped up, and slowly more cosplayers showed up, and then we had a crowd just taking pictures of us. I only know two people in this picture. I soon realized that if you stood in one spot long enough characters from your character's movie will show up!

More Rose Tico Coplayers that I ran into!


Me being "force" fed a pear by Leia. 

I'm still in awe that I was able to make it to Star Wars Celebration in Chicago. It was an amazing experience that I will truly miss. I made even more new friends, and got to hang out with some of my favorites. I hope I will be able to make it to Star Wars Celebration in Anaheim next year! It also makes a great excuse to see family in Cali.